OurChart's Bloggers
Our Favorite Sites
Tips?
thehookup@ourchart.com
My Sex Life
August 18, 2008 - 8:38am — Erin Blackwell
I'm having a lot of sex but, if I'm not careful, I won't notice. That's because I always look to the experts for succor and guidance, and the sex I'm having doesn't register on their oomphometers.
An Australian lass with a great ear for dialects.
Take talk. Talk is incredibly sexy when properly performed. Especially with a British accent. Or, if in French, with a pouty, goopy, kissy-lip French accent. But under no circumstances, never, ever in French with a British accent. That's a ticket for abstinence. (English with a French accent can be amusing, but only if the speaker commands the language and reverts to French now and again so as not to seem condescending.)
When I walked into the office the other night, a coworker greeted me thus, "I have a question for you." She's my age, a veteran of the sales team; I'm a newbie. I was looking forward to giving an opinion on a subtle point of protocol.
"When you go to bed, do you wear pajamas with a tie printed on them?"
I beg your pardon?
Hilarity ensued. I stood there as the rest of the womanly sales team and even the other-gendered boss guffawed and twittered. We were all a bit taken aback by Pam's modest proposal. I guess because she's a straight married mother she can, in all innocence, flirt with me, the more blatantly the more innocently. I got all the attention, did none of the work and somehow left the field feeling a bit chuffed.
Mechanics and electrical workers are also sexy. I'll let two anecdotes illustrate my point. On 8.8.08, a date of some numerological significance, I was having my battery changed by Kosta, the friendly neighborhood AAA guy, on a lovely sunny day, on the seaside.
Sitting on a planter, I dialed my girl-fiend. She answered and said, "I don't want to see you for a while. It's too difficult." Ulp. I'd heard this so many times, and yet was still dismayed. She said something about our relationship. "We don't have a relationship," I said. She agreed. So that was that.
Meanwhile, Kosta'd installed a brand new battery. (Catch the significance?) He was cute, Greek, black-haired, sanguine, 30-something, simple, can-do, clean, helpful. A nice guy. So unlike a girl-fiend. I wanted to bite him. And more. But I didn't want to horrify him, so I settled for osmosing his lack of complexity through his trim work outfit. No harm done.
Peter Paul Rubens' Three Graces (1639), 7 feet by 6 feet, Prado Museum, Madrid, Spain.
Which leaves electricity. At the Women's Building on 18th Street in the Mission, in San Francisco, Friday night, a Rubenesque nude with long blonde hair like pulling taffy lay on her stomach atop a massage table before a group of kinksters.
Imagine the two pinkish, perfect domes of Jennifer's derrière. Now see the red plastic tips of acupuncture needles, like an itsy-bitsy cherry atop each half dome, signaling each needle's penetration of her sweet, ample flesh. Now conjure a sleepy-eyed sadist standing alongside, with a $600 electric stimulator by Pantheon, attaching leads like miniature jumper cables to those needles and then dialing up the shock. We watched as Jennifer, her head in the table's cradle, held her own arms, squealed and kicked a little. Then her left cheek started to spasm.
"She has no control over this," said the sadist with a sly smile, not reducing the charge.
Was that sex? I don't know. But at least it was quantifiable.
An Australian lass with a great ear for dialects.
Take talk. Talk is incredibly sexy when properly performed. Especially with a British accent. Or, if in French, with a pouty, goopy, kissy-lip French accent. But under no circumstances, never, ever in French with a British accent. That's a ticket for abstinence. (English with a French accent can be amusing, but only if the speaker commands the language and reverts to French now and again so as not to seem condescending.)
When I walked into the office the other night, a coworker greeted me thus, "I have a question for you." She's my age, a veteran of the sales team; I'm a newbie. I was looking forward to giving an opinion on a subtle point of protocol.
"When you go to bed, do you wear pajamas with a tie printed on them?"
I beg your pardon?
Hilarity ensued. I stood there as the rest of the womanly sales team and even the other-gendered boss guffawed and twittered. We were all a bit taken aback by Pam's modest proposal. I guess because she's a straight married mother she can, in all innocence, flirt with me, the more blatantly the more innocently. I got all the attention, did none of the work and somehow left the field feeling a bit chuffed.
Mechanics and electrical workers are also sexy. I'll let two anecdotes illustrate my point. On 8.8.08, a date of some numerological significance, I was having my battery changed by Kosta, the friendly neighborhood AAA guy, on a lovely sunny day, on the seaside.
Sitting on a planter, I dialed my girl-fiend. She answered and said, "I don't want to see you for a while. It's too difficult." Ulp. I'd heard this so many times, and yet was still dismayed. She said something about our relationship. "We don't have a relationship," I said. She agreed. So that was that.
Meanwhile, Kosta'd installed a brand new battery. (Catch the significance?) He was cute, Greek, black-haired, sanguine, 30-something, simple, can-do, clean, helpful. A nice guy. So unlike a girl-fiend. I wanted to bite him. And more. But I didn't want to horrify him, so I settled for osmosing his lack of complexity through his trim work outfit. No harm done.
Peter Paul Rubens' Three Graces (1639), 7 feet by 6 feet, Prado Museum, Madrid, Spain.
Which leaves electricity. At the Women's Building on 18th Street in the Mission, in San Francisco, Friday night, a Rubenesque nude with long blonde hair like pulling taffy lay on her stomach atop a massage table before a group of kinksters.
Imagine the two pinkish, perfect domes of Jennifer's derrière. Now see the red plastic tips of acupuncture needles, like an itsy-bitsy cherry atop each half dome, signaling each needle's penetration of her sweet, ample flesh. Now conjure a sleepy-eyed sadist standing alongside, with a $600 electric stimulator by Pantheon, attaching leads like miniature jumper cables to those needles and then dialing up the shock. We watched as Jennifer, her head in the table's cradle, held her own arms, squealed and kicked a little. Then her left cheek started to spasm.
"She has no control over this," said the sadist with a sly smile, not reducing the charge.
Was that sex? I don't know. But at least it was quantifiable.
Delicious
Digg
Reddit
Facebook
Google
Yahoo
Recent comments
- As very very sad I am now, but from what I understood the things I read, this site is not going away. Not now. but ahem, ...
- it's like a breakup forced on us by unsympathetic border guards. all that time we spent kissing and giggling we now have free...
- in both your incarnations, particularly the first, the visual cheered me so...
- even during the bad times oh god it's turning into a high school yearbook thanks for all those lovely adjectives. i'll hug ...
65 Comments
electric needles for a smiling fuck
I give you the link to electric conduction with a make-her-smile-iron-toy, then just switch on.
tu me choques
dornac
Oww ?
By the the way, you know "Oh shocking!" is one of the first things I have learned in English, and you had to pronounce it very English, with an incenced tone.
I hear your voice : don't you speak French with this charmant English accent ?
MOI?
j'ai bossé comme une DINGUE pour avoir un accent quAZIment imperceptible!
mais j'adore parler américain avec un accent brit, parce que je suis californienne
tu veux dire que je n'aurais pas du bosser si dure pour rendre hommage a votre glorieuse langue?
Your French is soooo good !
oh yes it's veeery pleasant, but you could show just a little bit of a sweat accent behind your words to season it.
All in good fun...
no knowledge required...
is pleasure fun?
when i lived in france i was frustrated by their lack of a word for "fun." they say, "amuse-toi" but it's more dilatory & detached than "fun" which packs a punch, which is expressed by its sound. fun is mindless, immediate, exuberant.
pleasure, plaisir, is languid & all-encompassing, including the orgasmic. and mysterious. we never really know the source of pleasure. as in the famous pascal quote, "the heart has its reasons reason cannot know."
the french understand. this however, is FUN:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xM_Mt0HJYY
This is not french, it's quebecois!!!!!
And for fun we said: l'extase, le pied, l'éclatte, le délire but they are most argotic expressions maybe bourgeois have no fun in france.
Vive Québec!
this is sans doute aucun One of The Funniest Things I've Ever Seen.
the actoreresses are BRILLIANT & of course the writing/directing is GENIUS.
you're right, the French couldn't do this. they've forgotten how.
chez les français, j'aime
chez les français, j'aime bien les guignols
http://winny18.sport24.com/318676/Les-Guignols-USA-For-USA/
http://www.dailymotion.com/relevance/search/guignols%2Bde%2Bl%2527info/v...
Maybe you should quit
Maybe you should quit reading freud and sade (qui ne sont pas des lectures convenable for a lady) before it's too late
c'est tout l'art
de savoir quand c'est trop tard
juste avant qu'il ne le soit
benn
uhh j'suis perdue...c'est a propos de quoi ton blog? je ne suis pas la seule :(
you
are the text
French Critique requested
I freely admit that I have virtually no proficiency in the French language due to my typical arrogant American upbringing. Thus, I am going to expose my complete ignorance with my inept interpretation of your conversation, fully deserving of ridicule, so that I may educate myself a little bit. My purpose is for you to correct or discard my interpretation and provide me with an accurate interpretation (if possible) if you want to provide it:
Yonks Comment: "Maybe you should quit"
French text “qui ne sont pas des lectures convenable for a lady”. My inept translation: “It (Freud / Sade) is not reading acceptable for a lady”
Erin’s French Response:
French Caption: “C’est tout l’art”; Inept translation: It is all art
French Text: “De savoir quant c’est trop tard juste avante qu’il ne le soit.”
My inept interpretation: It is not a fair example (or it is not fair to say) that one must have knowledge (presumably of Freud and Sade) before one can have fun.
An inferential equally inept interpretation might be: “too much knowledge results in not much fun since in fact it [whatever that may be] transcends knowledge and is actually a form of art.
Let me know if I am even in the correct ballpark. If not, please provide a translation (I know a translation can’t precisely capture the French meaning). B.
Wow
you still groping for some meaning around? I admire your perseverance. Maybe you should read some more freud and sade before it's too late.
Puzzle
It's like a puzzle...Tell me what you mean by the words "grope" and "perseverance"...is there a concept that I'm missing or misinterpreting? B.
edit
sorry
I don't want knowledge
...that's no fun.
If knowledge isn't fun,
maybe you should try some gay science instead http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gay_Science
(I wonder about finding knowledge in Sade or Freud, i thought it was all about fun)
Knowledge
What is "knowledge" anyway?...
im still distracted..
by the aussie accent...oh my do i love it..*drool*..i LOVEEE foreing accents..
i wish i cud hear my accent frum a foreigner's 'ear'...im told its hawt...and i hav no idea why...lol
lost :(
sorry but im so confused about this entire blog..i have no idea what ms. erin is talking about...lol i've never been the sharpest knife in the drawer but this is different... :)
When I first read this, ok
When I first read this, ok after the 10th time of rereading and rereading to the point of finishing it, I thought "damn is she for real?"...but after seeing the responses...I feel so much better now.
Thanks Erin...
rovermom :)
Life is a 3D puzzle and everyone has a piece!
NEW! OurChart Photo Assignment and My Blog
cerebral sex
...I dare say Ms Blackwell, you are having sex of the higher order all the time...the sights and sounds naturally conjugate in your brain...and what you utter is your supposed carnal desire...i think...
CM
that's the best
explanation i've heard so far. thanks, madame cairo!
Ladies, I think it is time for an intervention
Taem?
I just watched the vid up top
That girl is fucking cute. :) Jodie
cupcake = jason
they're both "things" she's obsessed with
fascinating, non?
Weird.
This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen here. It's like a train wreck that keeps repeating itself. I can't understand what's being said but I'm staring at the responses anyway. (Especially the mention of "anthrax" in a blog supposedly about sex.)
making sense
thanks for trying to hold the pieces together in your mind.
some of the discussion bled over from my anthrax blog http://www.ourchart.com/content/anthrax
Out of control
Erin, I'm not quite sure what this blog is all about. I mean I think I know what it is about but it is making me think. Anyway, my mind is racing out of control. And it's only Monday.
Finally, I'm really looking forward to my trip to San Francisco next week. And wondering if Jennifer will be there.
~Minnie
jennifer is here...
...can you find her?
Who is
this Jennifer ? Is it a new name for "pretty domes" ?
(sorry, I am just coming back from holidays and I am a little lost).
bien revenue!
jennifer c'est elle qui s'est fait experimentee avec les aguilles & le choc. c'est le nom qu'elle s'est donnee
Thank you. OK, so no mystery
I thought about another Jennifer of course (stupid giggle giggle giggle...)
Hmmmm....
and what is this???
Your response furthers my case
Ms. Blackwell does not want you to know what her motive is to give inconsistent statements that appear to be untruthful. Instead she stated in her unresponsive testimony that in fact she wants her motive to remain a mystery. At least we were able to illuminate her inconsistencies and her evasiveness with the light of cross-examination. It was more important for her to remain a mystery than to give us a reason for her inconsistent statements. Than to explain to us what the actual truth might be if we could even rely on that given her inconsistent statements. You can take that testimony into consideration when you deliberate. You can take that fact into consideration when you discard her testimony altogether.
However, turning to the anthrax case, what motives did the secret informers have when they gave information about the Dr. Ivins' case? They, like Ms. Blackwell, want to remain a mystery but unlike even Ms. Blackwell they don't have the courage to come out of the darkness and tell us that.
And since Ms. Blackwell was willing to step out of the shadows we could impeach her with the prior inconsistent statements that she did make prior to her unwillingness to respond to answer additional questions under oath.
We have no opportunity to do so with the secret sources who provided information to the media in the anthrax case. The secret sources that convinced you, Ms. Blackwell, and perhaps even me to to believe that whatever it was that they provided was the truth even though we don't know the identity of those sources or what those sources relied upon. We don't know whether the information provided was opinion disguised as fact, we don't know the motives of those sources to provide that information. We actually know nothing. And though mysterious and secret, the informers have selected to use the immense power of the written word to propound their arguments.
Ms. Blackwell demonstrates through unquestioning belief the immense power of the written word in her anthrax blog. She vehemently grasps onto those secret statements as if they were the truth even though the source of those written statements is not willing to subject himself to the rigors of cross-examination or to provide us with the underlying sources of his information, or to allows us to discover any of his/her motives to fabricate or to tell the truth. We are left with nothing but a shadow, a "mystery"...and shadows are not proof, they are not fact...they are simply a silhouette of a speaker so scared of his own "shadow" relying on the press to convey the arguments that he is unwilling to convey himself. And the press relies in writing on the shadow's statements in such a declarative way as if there were no doubt about their truthfulness that the unquestioning reader infers the truth from the written words on a page when no truth has actually been presented...merely a shadow.
Yeah........
What she said.
LMFAO
OK
Why don't you two just admit you're incredibly hot for and turned on by each other's use of words...and then get together for a good, stimulating game of chess.
What?!
:) Jodie
scrabble maybe
only if you'll referee
Word: Obstreperous
o b s t r e p e r o u s...
Definition: unruly.
Usage: Erin may assert that I was being obstreperous when I used her own words to illuminate my point about the use by the media of inherently unreliable anonymous sources that are hidden from scrutiny...Perhaps I was.
are we playing scrabble or not?
if you have to ask
...
ummmmmmmmm, ok
Scrabble it is! Can LBDL be my co-ref?
:) Jodie
Prior inconsistent statement
You stated on 8/18/08 at 11:38, that "I'm having a lot of sex", is that correct?"
On 8/8/08 at 11:11 you stated that "The closest I've gotten to sex lately is putting on my black leather motorcycle jacket and parading around, hoping someone will think I'm a sexual outlaw without actually calling me on it, correct?
In 8/8/08 statement you meant that you actually hadn't had sex for a long period of time, correct?
The lapse in time between those two statements was 10 days and 26 minutes, correct?"
You were very busy between the dates of 8/8/08 and 8/18/08, correct
So between the dates of 8/8/08 and 8/18/08 you want us to believe that in fact you were having a lot of sex, correct?
During that 10 days you conducted extensive research for your anthrax blog in that 10 day period of time?
You spent extensive time actually writing the blog that was well detailed?
You were working during that 10 day period of time, correct?
You were working at night correct?
In fact, you stated in your blog "I walked into the office the other night", correct
You slept during that 10 day period of time?
You were working on this blog during that 10 day period of time?
You were responding in a timely manner to blog comments?
The responses to those blog comments were well thought out?
Your language carefully crafted?
You were attending to other obligations during that 10 day period of time, correct?
These events left you with very little time to have very much sex during that 10 day period, correct
Yet, your extensive sex occurred during slim period of time between all of these many obligations in a 10 day period? [if no, then]
Now you state that your extensive sex occurred from a period prior to 8/8/08 until 8/18/08, correct?
That would be longer than 10 days
Yet for some reason you wanted us to believe on 8/8/8 that you had not had sex in a long time, correct?
Now, you want us to believe that you've had extensive sex for a period of time longer than 10 days, correct?
-------------------------------------------------------
CLOSING ARGUMENT: You must totally disregard Ms. Blackwell's testimony. Her statements are simply not reliable. In fact, you can infer from her sworn testimony that she lied to us when she made one of those statements. We don't know whether she has had voluminous sex for an extensive period of time or extensive sex for only a 10 day period of time. In fact , we don't know whether Ms. Blackwell has had sex at all based on her 8/8/08 statement, that she now wants you to conveniently forget.
---------------------------------------------------------
ANALYSIS: NOW refer back to the anthrax case. What appears to be reliable may not always be reliable.
WTF
And that's all I have to say about that. Jodie
I agree with you on this one Jodi.....<shaking my head>
Antrax, sex, and lack thereof...hmmmm.
Peace
Tesser
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and proudly proclaiming, 'Wow! What a ride!!! Next!!!!!
You have not answered the question...
How are you so quick on the trigger that keeps me on my toes??? what is the riddle intended with your seemingly irrelevant prose that poetically eludes my questions of reliability that I have posed??
objection overruled
gawd if anyone understood the legal system, it was Lewis Carroll. Dickens wasn't bad either (see Bleak House).
the pertinent bit:
'In my youth', said her Daddy, 'I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life.'
if i explained myself, POOF! there goes the mystery.
the art of argument
You Are Old, Mother Wilma
apologies for gender shifts to Lewis Carroll
'You are old, Mother Wilma', the young babe said,
'And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
Do you think, at your age, it is right?'
'In my youth', Mother Wilma replied to her "son",
'I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again.'
'You are old', said the boi, 'as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
Pray, what is the reason of that?'
'In my youth', said the sage, as she shook her grey locks,
'I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment - one shilling the box -
Allow me to sell you a couple?'
'You are old', said the youth, 'and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -
Pray, how did you manage to do it?'
'In my youth', said her Daddy, 'I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life.'
'You are old', said the kid, 'one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -
What made you so awfully clever?'
'I have answered three questions, and that is enough,'
Said her Mama, 'don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!'